More on motherhood

Ever since I was little I knew I wanted to be a mama one day. I even said that I’d have my first child when I was 25, and I did (though it wasn’t planned around my age at all). I had little Della two months before I turned 26.

We are quickly approaching the 1-year mark of my first positive pregnancy test. Almost a year ago I knew I was going to be a mama to some little person. It’s funny how that second line instantly changes your life. You think you know what it’s like to love someone you’ve never met, can’t see, can’t even feel yet. And that love grows as you get to know your belly and the little (or sometimes big) movements coming from within; but when that person is born into the world, those feelings are shattered and replaced with a love even bigger than you ever knew you could handle.

In fact, there are some days when I don’t know if I can handle how much I love Adele. I’m powerless to it. There are times when I just look at her in my arms or in her daddy’s arms and tear up with the force of love and wonderment that I feel. How can she be mine? She’s so perfect.

Yet, there she is every morning. All mine. Well, all mine and her daddy’s.

I love her smiles and chattering every morning. I love watching her explore the world, discovering new things every day. Just this morning, in fact, she discovered the fabric of my jeans. She strokes it, entertained by the feeling. I get so excited seeing her experience new things.

I thought I had prepared myself before she entered my life. I thought I knew what to expect. I was excited for these things, but never knew how they’d truly affect my life. Even though we do pretty much the same things every day, every single day is something new.

Motherhood is everything and nothing I thought it would be. It’s hard, it’s messy, the guilt is astounding sometimes, the worries are numerous. But the love. Oh how the love is so much bigger. The adventure is so much more exciting. The smiles are so much brighter.

I would give up everything for this.

 

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