And the mama guilt begins…

I’m not even a mama yet!

This PUPPS is absolutely awful. It’s all over my body now. My stomach is mostly covered, my thighs are mostly covered (the rash has started spreading around the back), I have some next to both my arm pits, there are bits popping up on my knees and elbows, my hands and fingers have them in numerous places (mainly the knuckles), and the tops of my feet are also hit. I’m constantly itching. As soon as I get relief in one area, another one acts up. I’m on Benedryl at night and Cortisone cream a few times a day. Between those, I slather on the lotion (Eucerine Calming Creme or Suave’s Vitamin E lotion) to help keep me comfortable. I’m trying an oatmeal bath tonight, so hopefully that helps.

I no longer sleep much at night because I’m up numerous times due to the itching. I wake up scratching my belly or my thighs (the two worst areas) all the time. Half the time I wake up, I’m having BH contractions, too. So then it’s hard to fall back asleep. I’m just not doing well. I’m starting to feel desperate. I don’t know how to help myself anymore and this is going on a month now. I’m near tears every night. If I do scratch (which is so hard to not do — it really takes a lot of self control, which I’m losing more and more each day), then the rash burns and hurts. Thankfully I haven’t opened any of the bumps, but I’m sure that’s not far off.

If I hadn’t gotten the PUPPS, then I’d be enjoying the end of this pregnancy. Other than that, I seriously feel great. I’m sure I wouldn’t want to be overdue even without the rash, but at least I wouldn’t be miserable and itching all the time. I’m at the point where I’m seriously considering asking the doctor to induce me on Monday. I just can’t do this anymore. And PUPPS doesn’t even always go away immediately after birth. I may have to deal with it another week or so afterward. I couldn’t do this for 2 more weeks (41 week induction plus 1 week recovery from PUPPS time). Sometimes it takes even longer to go away.

But that’s where the mama guilt comes in. How terrible am I for wanting this baby out so badly that I’m willing to induce early (40w5d or 40w6d) just so I can start feeling better?

I decided to share a picture of my PUPPS. I can’t take the best picture myself, but it’s as good as I can do. This is my stomach (obviously) and those are not stretch marks at all. All the redness you see is a raised, bumpy rash that spread up my belly within a week or so. I assume that there may be some stretch marks below the rash, but they were not there when the rash moved up. I have tons of it on my thighs, but it looks a little different. I have a bunch of red bumps that are more hive-like than the rash on my belly. Those are also raised. I couldn’t get a good picture of them, though. Sorry! (I’m sure you really don’t want to see it anyway.)

Click to make bigger

I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, to be honest. I’ve never been so miserable in my life. And I’ve had hives so bad that I was almost hospitalized (my throat was swelling shut), I’ve had chicken pox, I’ve almost died in a car accident, I’ve broken my arm in half and required surgery to fix it, and I’m sure there are other horrific things I could share. However, NONE of them compare to this. I’d much rather be in pain than to be constantly itching. At least there are pain meds that help; the itching “relief” I’m doing does not offer much relief.

I try so hard to not complain, but it’s getting more difficult as the moments go by. I just feel so guilty for wanting to end this pregnancy to ease my discomfort. I should sacrifice my body 100% for the baby, but I’m so tired of doing it. I don’t know that the doctor will allow me to be induced early, but I will ask on Monday at my last appointment.

The Mr. is going to the appointment with me, and I really appreciate it. We are going to discuss this. Regardless, we’ll be discussing induction anyway. If it’s not next Monday or Tuesday (I’d be more than fine with either day), then it will be next Thursday. I just don’t see how two days will make much of a difference when I’m already past due (and I know that I ovulated three days earlier than my LMP suggests). Ugh, the guilt. We’ll just see how it goes. Hopefully I have the babe this weekend and we don’t even have to think about it or make this decision.


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